Sometimes, holding onto your truth is the most empowering choice.

Let’s talk about forgiveness. It’s practically a tenet of most religions and self-help books. Forgive your neighbor, forgive your enemies, forgive yourself – it’s the path to enlightenment, right?

Well, yes and no. Forgiveness is a powerful tool, but it’s not a magic wand that erases all hurt. Sometimes, the pressure to forgive can be overwhelming, especially for Black women. We’re socialized to be the nurturers, the peacemakers, the ones who put everyone else’s feelings before our own. But what happens when forgiveness feels fake, or even harmful?

Here’s the truth: forgiveness is a choice, and it’s a deeply personal one. There’s no shame in holding onto anger, resentment, or even hatred – especially if the person who hurt you hasn’t apologized or shown any remorse.

Here are some reasons why forgiveness might not be the best course of action for you:

• The person hasn’t apologized: Forgiveness without accountability can feel like a rug being laid over the damage. If someone hasn’t acknowledged their wrongdoing and shown genuine remorse, how can you truly forgive them?
• The hurt is still too raw: Healing is not linear. It might take days, weeks, months, or even years to process a painful experience. Don’t pressure yourself to forgive someone before you’re ready.
• They continue to hurt you: If someone is consistently violating your boundaries or disrespecting you, forgiveness gives them a free pass to keep doing it. True Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment, not allowing someone to continue to harm you.

So, what are the alternatives to forgiveness?

• Setting Boundaries: This is crucial. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control how much access they have to you. If someone has hurt you, it’s perfectly okay to distance yourself from them, or even cut them out of your life completely.
• Focusing on Healing: Take the time and energy you would spend trying to forgive someone and invest it in yourself. Therapy, journaling, spending time with loved ones – prioritize your well-being.
• Radical Acceptance: This doesn’t mean you have to condone what happened, but it does mean acknowledging it and accepting that it’s a part of your story.

Remember, forgiveness is a personal journey. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. And if letting go feels inauthentic or even dangerous for you, know that you are not obligated to forgive anyone who has hurt you.

Here are some additional resources to help you on your healing journey:

• The Gottman Institute
• The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
• Therapy for Black Girls

You deserve to heal on your own terms. Don’t let anyone pressure you into forgiveness if it doesn’t feel right. Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is the most important step you can take on your path to growth. Remember, forgiveness is just one tool in your toolbox. There’s strength in acknowledging your hurt, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your healing. You are worthy of love, respect, and a life free from negativity. So go forth, fierce one, and heal on your own terms.