Can a long-term friendship survive living next door? One reader needs advice on setting boundaries for a healthier dynamic.

Dear Alex: Long friendship turns sour when they become neighbors

Dear Alex,

We all dream of that sitcom-style best-friend-next-door situation, but sometimes reality bites. Me and my long-time friend relationship has changed drastically since we became neighbors. We started off laughing over morning coffee, spontaneous hangouts, all the good stuff. But fast forward a few months, and things aren’t so rosy. The constant togetherness feels suffocating, the casual drop-ins now feel like invasions, and that fun friendship has a weird competitive edge. Am I the only one who’s experienced this? What can I do? – Besties to Besties-with-Benefits? .

Dear Besties,

You’re definitely not alone! The best-friend-next-door fantasy can clash hard with reality.

Proximity changes everything. Even the best of friendships can suffer when the lines between personal space and shared space get blurry. Suddenly, you see each other’s routines, habits, and even potential flaws magnified. What was once a fun choice to hang out now feels almost like an obligation.

So, what can you do?

1. Acknowledge the Shift: The first step is to acknowledge that your friendship dynamic has changed. Trying to force things back to the way they were will likely lead to more frustration.

2. Healthy Boundaries are Key: Boundaries are the foundation of any healthy relationship, and they become even more vital in this scenario. Consider:

• Physical Boundaries: Do you want a shared fence? Separate outdoor spaces?
• Time Boundaries: Are there evenings or days you want ‘neighbor-free’? Can you politely decline drop-ins?
• Emotional Boundaries: Protecting your mental space is key. You don’t have to share everything just because you’re neighbors.

3. The “Gentle No:” Learn to say no without guilt or lengthy explanations. “Thanks for the invite, but tonight I’m staying in” is all you need.

4. Focus on the Positives: Are there any good parts of being neighbors? Can you build on those (carpooling, pet-sitting swaps, etc.) while minimizing the downsides?

5. When to Seek Distance: Sadly, sometimes friendships evolve, and that might mean needing more space. If resentment, competition, or negativity become overwhelming, it might be healthier to create some distance for a while.

This whole process won’t be a walk in the park. Expect some heartfelt talks, a focus on respecting each other’s privacy, and adjusting what you thought this neighbor situation would be like. It’s also okay to feel a bit sad about how your friendship has changed – that’s natural! The goal is to find a new rhythm that works for both of you.